So there was a point in my life that I guarded my past. I guarded my traumas and I guarded MY information. I had the idea that if anyone knew they would judge me, or not want to be my friend or be around me. I would think about all the ways that people would judge me if they only knew what I really was or even worse WHO I really was.

I have done a lot of work to try and understand WHY I cared so much and WHY I would feel ashamed of my story, and the truth is I chose to feel that way. I chose to let other people in my life that would not be supportive of the real me, I chose to let people in that were judgemental of others- and really so was I. I did not like that about myself, I didn’t like being around other people that made me feel small or that would look at other peoples flaws and faults and judge them. But that is what I chose, for far too long. So I had to first recognize that those things were not ok, and recognize that I had the power to change that!

I wrote down my story a few months back, the real story from my perspective. The hard story that I have kept a secret from even those closest to me. The story that shaped me as a person, the story that has helped me realize what I want out of life, and relationships. I wrote down my story to gain another piece of myself back, and not to have sympathy from anyone. I want to help those around me everyday see their potential without the chains of secret stories, and lives of chaos. I want to share my story with the world in hopes that more people will open their eyes and hearts to MORE, more life, more love and of course MORE AUTHENTICITY.

Our stories are not our identity, but a path to get where we want to go, as long as we choose to do so. Choose to not let your story define who you are, but define where you want to be. Choose to not be a victim of circumstances and victims of our past.

I choose ME, I choose to love ME for ME. I hope you all do too!

One of my many goals after my divorce was to be confident going places BY MYSELF. Now I realize that seems silly. But its not. Believe it or not there was a time that I didn’t hold the same confidence that I do now. There was a time I felt I would be judged for going anywhere alone, and a time I felt me being alone anywhere made me look weak and made me look like I didn’t have friends. The thought of someone seeing me sitting alone doing anything by myself made me think I was a loser. It didn’t help that I had the reinforcement coming at me from my own home. I would look at some of these seemingly confident women walking around target like they didn’t have a care in the world and that they didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. I didn’t just want that, I needed that.

So how do you get passed your fears and regain confidence, especially in something that seemed like it should be second nature?

First I recognized that it was a MAJOR problem, because I was no longer comfortable being me. I realized that I would figit when I thought I would see someone that would know me or recognize me. The tops of my ears would turn a fiery hot, and my feet would start to sweat like it was the middle of summer. I would question why I even went anywhere, and why I was such a dork.

Second, if I wanted a change I realized I had to want to have different behaviors and patterns and I had to want to be ok being ME again. SO I wrote down every thing I could remember about when I felt like myself, the me that was there before marriage & babies & divorce. I started with the things I remember loving about myself in those early days, you know the ones you wish you could go back to your old self and tell her to hang on to? I even wrote down the small details like how I had such cute legs and I had no idea, no cellulite-like what would that be like now?! I would tell myself to hang on to that tenacious drive I always had, hang on to the fire in my soul, to tell myself nice things and to tell that bitchy girl in the back of my mind to sit down and shut up. I wanted to be gentle and a little less reckless to my heart again. I wanted to get back to be open minded and less judgemental, not only to other people but to myself as well.

Third, I got to work. This always seems like a good idea when you think about changing and growing, but this is the hardest step. This was the step for me that hurt, it stung like a thousand bees on my heart. Why? Because this is this part I realized I was broken, and more broken that I thought- but it was ok because I at least knew I was going to get HER back. Being HER again became my driving force. I started to envision the freedom I would have by not caring what other people thought about me anymore, how amazing it would be to go to my kids sports ALONE and watch them play without anyone to tell me I looked lonely or pathetic. I kicked those bad self talk habits to the curb one by one, don’t think that I don’t have them still but I now am very aware that they creep in when I am feeling out of control in some aspect of my life, I just don’t entertain them like I did.

Forth, I began to take small steps towards my goal, the first time I went to lunch alone after my divorce was like winning the Oscars for me, and I recognized that and gave myself a mental high five for checking it off my list. I began to make time for myself, alone. The gym, the grocery store, running, I went to a few social events I had been invited to but I drove myself and tried to talk to one new person I had never seen before all by myself. Over time, it started to feel like me again. I started to really appreciate the time I carved out for myself. I vowed that no matter what I would never give up my own freedom again, because that belonged to me and only me.

Finally I thanked myself and praised myself for the hard work I had put in. I appreciated the path I had been on, even though it was crappy and the hardest time in my life. I learned to see the lesson without the animosity and resentment. I chose to see the fight I had to become HER again.

I hope you all see your own value, and if you don’t or you feel like SHE is too far gone, remember that you are not the first or the last to walk a rugged path full of rocky trails and hardships. You just have to take the first step and remember HER.

How many of you receive a compliment and your first instinct is to give a counter productive response? You run into someone you haven’t seen for a while and they say “wow you look so pretty” and you reply “oh my gosh no, I am such a mess”. Why cant we just say thank you? This is an issue I struggle with too, I have a really hard time accepting that SOME people think I am awesome, SOME people think I am kind and nice. But yet I essentially take that away from them every time I don’t take the compliment. Compliments have always been hard for me, and I believe that goes a little deeper. Why do I think I am a mess? Why do I think I am not pretty? Why do I not accept the hard work I have put into my business?

Well it starts out years and years ago with time after time trying to people please people and getting shut down. It started with parents and teachers that maybe didn’t know how to hand my high spirit and energy. It started with chasing the want for real compliments, Is that ONLY their fault? No. It’s not. Its just a perfect storm of emotions that unfortunately ended with me having core beliefs about myself that were not exactly true. I realized deep into my first marriage that all I really wanted was for, my now, ex-husband to acknowledge something that I did good. I craved that and felt that if I had that then I was going to be ok. I would love to say that shortly after our marriage ended I found myself, but the truth is I was gradually putting the tiny broken pieces back together but not really in the order that they broke. So how did I do that? It took time, practice and owning my own faults and not owning other peoples faults.

I stepped back from my fake life I was leading, you know the perfect Mormon house wife who seemed to have an amazing husband and 5 beautifully put together kids. I set that life aside, I stepped away from the Mormon church to gain MY unaltered relationship with GOD. I started choosing things for me instead of choosing what I thought others wanted me to choose. I stopped caring if my ex-husband would ever think I was good at anything- that was not as easy as me typing it here- trust me! I stopped saying apologizing for things that didn’t have anything to do with me, I can still tell someone that I am sad for whatever their situation is without saying sorry. I realized that happiness comes from me. I realized that MY happiness is MINE & only MINE. I can feel happy around some people but happiness REALLY belongs to me, I choose it. I learned that those sad voices that tell me i am not good enough or that I am not capable don’t have a seat at my table anymore, they are uninvited to my girls nights when someone seemingly looks prettier that me, or when someone tells me I am a badass for making a kick ass coffee shop that has an AMAZING vibe. Those voices of self doubt are no longer guests in the back of my head because they take my joy and rob me of being real. Instead I choose to recognize the bad and accept it, but look for the joy and happiness, even in the crappy situations that come up in life. I know that life is one big freaking journey, I know it takes practice to learn to just say “THANK YOU” after someone says something kind to you about you. I am still learning that I choose my chaos as well as my happiness, but I am ever so grateful for hard lessons that sucked, because I know the difference now!

Don’t forget to love yourself THROUGH the process, even if that means you love one tiny thing each day and hold on tight to that one thing.

A long time ago, when I was a kid, my mom used to make sure we always told each other that we loved each other before we left. That meant that even when we would tumble and fight, we still said “I love you”. Now that doesn’t mean we weren’t so angry but she tell us often “you never know what will happen today, and you don’t want hateful words to be what you remember saying”. This is something I have tried to remember over my adult life. I get angry, I get sad and I have emotional issues sometimes and I WANT to say mean things sometimes. BUT what would that actually accomplish? Other than giving you something to apologize for? Nothing. It would result in hurt and animosity and eventually shame.

So how do we learn to be a little softer and kinder? Is it something we just switch and do? Not exactly. In order to make a real change we must first recognize a change needs to be made right? So maybe start by looking at yourself and the way you respond to situations, ask yourself if you could be better or if you could handle a situation a little better. Really step back before you react and ask yourself what a kinder response to a situation would be, then implement it, and make a shift. It doesn’t need to be all at once and sudden but you will start to notice real change that will hopefully have a positive effect on your life and those around you. It all takes practice, and I am by no means the best, but I have seen many changes in my own life and how I have made changes that have affected my situations positively.

Instead why not use our words to make a POSITIVE impact. Why not try and change the way we look at other people, maybe have a bit more grace and tenderness for other peoples situations? After all we are ll just learning and moving through this life too right? Maybe we start by having POSITIVE conversations with ourselves so that positivity can start there and in tern spill over onto the people we come in contact with. Words have impact in more ways than just what we tell other people, it impacts us as well. The things we tell ourselves we will start to believe, be gentle with yourself. This life is hard and we are all trying to figure it out right? Love, kindness & empathy go a long way. Start with you, show those around you that you are capable of kindness and it will spill over to those you love and care for, and even to those you don’t know your impacting. Take a min to tell look the lady at the checkout in the eyes and really as them how they are, pay a stranger a REAL compliment without expecting one in return. Lets start to pay attention to those around us that build people up and surround ourselves with good, happy souls.